


Not Enough

by Ivillpunchyouinthethroat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, As if the SnK universe isn't fucked up enough as it is, Character Death, Guilt, M/M, Secrets, Unrequited Love, Why did I do this to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 12:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7050205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivillpunchyouinthethroat/pseuds/Ivillpunchyouinthethroat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And while part of Eren would always doubt it—the part that would never forget the feeling of Levi’s body trembling against his own as he held back sobs or the sheer amount of agony he always saw in his bloodshot eyes—there was another part of Eren that imaged Levi actually <em>living</em> again.</p><p>That was the selfish part, Eren knew, because as much as he hoped Levi happiness for Levi’s sake, he also wished it for the guilty part of his conscience that burned every time he remembered what Humanity's Strongest had been reduced to.</p><p>(Because of him)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [All Of Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6987709) by [sciencefictioness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencefictioness/pseuds/sciencefictioness). 



> Hello there!
> 
> This work is a continuation of chapter one (and only chapter 1!) of sciencefictioness' All of Me, which you all should definitely go read not only because literally anything sciencefictioness writes is _amazing_ but also because this won't make all that much sense if you don't read hers first.
> 
> She was nice enough to give this continuation an okay even while she wrote her own so many many thanks to her ^^

Days and months passed by like this, with Levi calling Eren with his silence, and Eren always responding, even if Jean never liked it, even if he always grumbled, lips tight and eyebrows creased every time Eren donned his gear.

But slowly, as years rolled by, Levi’s calls started becoming less and less frequent, once a month, then once every couple, until finally they stopped completely. All together 9 years had passed, and it was only in times of silence like this, in the early morning hours of contemplation that Eren _really_ let himself think about it.

Levi, Mikasa, Armin, the rest of the 104th , their memories were never far from his mind, but he always tried to keep them at bay a bit, like a phantom ache from an old wound. But Jean had left before the sun had even risen and the emptiness of their house was tugging at Eren’s memories. It was while he gazed unseeing at the cup of tea in his hands that he let Levi and all he still felt for him slip through his subconscious and into the forefront of his mind.

It’d been six years since he’d last laid eyes on him—Erwin having relocated him to another city leagues away, before he too had gone into a sort of retirement— and Eren always found himself hoping at times like these, _desperately hoping,_ that Levi had found closure, that he had found someone, that he had found _peace._

Eren had found his, to an extent. His life with Jean was comfortable, was the type of life he’d never even imagined having but once he did, had found it all too easy to fall into the routine of training the next generation of scouts year after year.

And while part of Eren would always doubt it—the part that would never forget the feeling of Levi’s body trembling against his own as he held back sobs or the sheer amount of _agony_ he always saw in his bloodshot eyes—there was another part of Eren that imaged Levi actually _living_ again.

That was the selfish part, Eren knew, because as much as he hoped Levi happiness for Levi’s sake, he also wished it for the guilty part of his conscience that burned every time he remembered what Humanity's Strongest had been reduced to.

(Because of him)

He _knew_ that selfish part of his soul was what always ultimately stopped him from asking Hanji—who lived in the closest city over, become something of a professor apparently— what had become of Levi after he stopped calling; after the last time that he had sat down with him and told him that he still loved him, meaning every word of it at the time.

So as the time had begun passing with not a sign from Levi, Eren had been relieved at first, then curious, worried, but ultimately he had grown complacent _._

Too content with his absence. 

Because if Levi’s fortune for the last 6 years was left a mystery, then Eren was left with the ability to dream (pretend) that Levi once again stood tall, without regret eating away at him.

(Without having to be reminded that he _was_ Levi’s regret)

The hand around his mug tightened, the citrusy warm aroma of Earl Grey wafting up to him.

It had been Levi’s favorite, and when they had been together Eren had grown fond of it too. He didn’t drink it often now, too many memories called to mind; too many things he wished could have been different.

(That Levi never had to choose, that his family was still alive)

And always there, always scratching away at the tail end of his thoughts, of his conscience, of his guilt—

The possibility of actually _knowing._    

If he was truly honest with himself he was scared, _terrified_ actually, of what could happen if he ever did pay Hanji a visit, of what her eyes would tell him even before she’d even opened her mouth. The way she’d look at him, accusation magnified brighter by the lenses of her glasses.

Yet even as he delved deeper and deeper into self-blame and the guilt of possibility, he could already feel justification (of sorts) approaching, like it always did.

(Even if it felt _wrong_ , even if it always left a taste of bitter).

Because, he told himself, if anything had actually happened, anything major, anything that would _really_ be worth the churning of responsibility he buried under the routine of the everyday, then _someone_ would have told him. He might very well be Levi’s regret, but Levi had been the most important thing in his life for a long time, and there wasn’t a question of the feeling having been returned.

So they would have told him.

_He would already know—_

A knock interrupted his thoughts.

Shaking through the cloud of his memories Eren looked out the window before turning towards the door. The sun was still hanging low in the grey morning light; it was still too early for this to be a social visit. It couldn’t be anything other than business.

He reached for the door prepared to see a soldier or a messenger, but when he swung the wood open, letting in the cool crispness of morning, what he got instead was someone he hadn’t seen in years.

With a face of surprise Eren spoke,

“Commander Erwin, Sir?”

There was grey in his hair now, even if his eyes hadn’t changed all that much, and when he spoke the lines around his mouth stood dark against his skin.

“Just Erwin now Eren, I haven’t been your Commander for a long time.”

With a sheepish look and a hand scratching through his hair Eren responded,

“Uh right, I guess. Old habits die hard I suppose.”

“I suppose.” Erwin acknowledged with a half-smile that did not even attempt to extend past the artificial.

They stood in silence before Eren realized that minutes had passed and the Comm— _Erwin_ , was still standing out in his doorway,

“Oh, sorry, but uh, come in, have a seat, I’ll get you some tea or coffee—”

Erwin cut him off,

“No, no it’s fine Eren, I—” he broke off with unexpected hesitance. It was a little unnerving actually, when Eren had gone most of his youth listening to him have a tone of absolute finality to his voice even as he ordered teens barely turned adults to their deaths.

So Eren did not say anything as Erwin gave a sigh and veered his gaze away. However it was only a few second later that his hands turned into fists, his eyebrows inclined, and when he turned to look at Eren again blue eyes were firm and his voice was level.

“I’ll be direct; I came because there is a favor I need to ask of you.”

And suddenly Eren felt dread unexpectedly pool heavy in his stomach, but before he could get in so much as an inhale, Erwin continued.

“Levi…Levi is dying.”

Eren felt his world tip violently sideways.

Levi was _dying?_ That was wrong, that was _wrong_ , he was Humanity's Strongest, he was—

It was only when Erwin picked up again that he realized he’d spoken aloud,

“He _was_ Humanity's Strongest, Eren, but a near decade of alcohol and—”

“It’s only _been_ 9 years!” Eren interrupted, words tumbling out one after the other, gaining momentum on everything he’d been thinking of only moments before, “You don’t die of alcoholism in 9 years, and Levi, his body—he could _take_ alcohol, it wouldn’t have—”

“Not by itself it wouldn’t. I moved him far away from you, Eren, because I thought it would help, I thought if he didn’t have the option of seeing you, of you running after him, it would help him move on; would force him let go of his last dying hope that someday you would forgive him, truly. But it didn’t. I thought he could start over somewhere new but instead his past, the past before he even met you, took hold again. It was all too easy for him to mix back into the underground of the city. There are vices far more potent than alcohol, Eren, and Levi seems to have delved into every one of them. Nobody’s body can take that for 9 years, not even Levi’s.”

Eren was speechless; it was like suddenly the laws of the world were rewriting themselves, everything he’d believed to be true shifting in his reality. Levi was someone he’d never truly let himself think of as mortal, he was… he was—

The world was spinning, Erwin blurring into the whirlwind of background—

“So I came to ask you—”

—and suddenly it stopped, the blond realigning himself in harsh lines, almost painful in their clarity. 

Because he had come for a _favor,_ and now Eren _knew_ what he was going to ask.

“Please, Eren, come see him once last time.”

“I—I, Commander, I…”

“He’s _dying,_ Eren.” As if it needed repeating, as if Eren hadn’t understood him the first time.

(As if the very shadow of possibility he’d been afraid of hadn’t shown up at his doorstep, tendrils of blame and fear snaking their way inside, squeezing painfully tight to his heart as he felt self-preservation start to take over) 

“What makes you think seeing me would help!” The words came unbidden, tearing themselves out of his throat.

When Erwin answered there was desperation in his voice, in his eyes, “He won’t last much longer Eren, Hanji is taking care of him now but his body is shutting down, he’s not lucid half the time but when he is he only wants to see you, only wants to apologize. _Please,_ it’s the one thing that’s eaten away at him, _please_ just tell him that you forgive him, for everything, that you still love him, that if he wasn’t dying you two could have gone back to—”

But Eren was already stepping back,

“What!? No, I can’t, I—”

This was what he had never let himself think could happen, the reason he had never asked about Levi after he’d stopped calling for him and now Erwin was here, telling him to go with him, to go and see what  he’d done to Levi, to see _exactly how he’d broken him_.  

And he couldn’t, _he couldn’t._

For once in his life Eren let himself be a coward.

“Erwin I can’t, he wouldn’t believe me, he—”

“Eren, he’s not how he was before, he’s barely coherent, he’d believe anything you said to him—”

“NO!”

His eyes shut, as if he could make the whole situation disappear if only he willed it away hard enough.  “I can’t—he wouldn’t, I can’t _see_ him like that, I couldn’t take—I can’t—” 

But when Eren looked again, Erwin was changing.

He was growing, his shoulders rolling back, head coming up high, fire burning coldly in his eyes, dominating the space around him. Suddenly, he was not Erwin anymore, he was _Commander_ again, oozing authority into the very air. And Eren, despite his years of service, despite the countless soldiers he’d had under him, was abruptly nothing but a 15 year old again, trying not to quake in front of the man who once held his life in his hands.

He began slowly,

“I have watched Levi torture himself to death for the past 9 years over _you._ Watched as he tore himself apart for the choice he’d thought he’d regret the least but which turned out the be the one decision he’s regretted the most in his entire life. But, despite that, one he has always had the burden of knowing that if he had the opportunity to, would _never_ change doing _._ So if you think that I will let you deny him the one chance at peace he of all people deserve for protecting this fucked up world we called home, all because you _could not bear to see what you have done to him,_ THEN YOU ARE WRONG CADET. I WILL DRAG YOU THERE MYSELF IF I HAVE TO, I WILL—”

Eren saw it then, even past the fear coursing irrationally through him.

It was in the way his eyes flashed, in the resolve all but boiling in their icy depths, the desire to protect at all costs, even if it meant hurting themselves, even if it meant hurting others—

It was the same look he’d seen in Levi’s eyes the split second he’d made the decision to let Mikasa and Armin die to save him.

“Oh my God you love him.”

And suddenly Erwin was not Commander anymore, shrinking back into himself he was just a retired ex-soldier, body permanently bent under the weight of years of command.

The grey in his hair flashed silver in the sunlight, the lines around his mouth and eyes prominent once again.

Erwin looked towards the ground and spoke softly,

“Always have, always will.”

And Eren couldn’t help but flinch at the irony in the likeness of the words he himself had repeated for three years.

“But, well, we both know love isn’t really enough, is it Eren?”

His tone held the harsh of accusation, the longing of sadness, and all the bitter of regret.

“I—”

“Uh, Commander Erwin?”

Jean was back, coming up the path behind Erwin, and whatever Eren had been going to say was lost, because even he did not know what his words would have been.

But Erwin did not correct Jean, did not even turn, instead he tipped his head at Eren and with eyes that still spoke of disappointment, of resentment, of _anger,_ said,

“I am sorry for intruding, please excuse me.”

He turned around and walked away, not even sparing Jean a passing glance.

Eren was left to stare at his back as Jean walked up to him, suspicion sharp in his eyes.

“What was that about?”

The lie came to his mouth so naturally it was jolting.

“Job offering, he wanted me to move out to one of the major cities, be a _political pillar_ or something like that.”

Jean snorted, “Commander must really be going senile if he thinks he could ever persuade you to go into politics.”

Eren gave a weak smile, a weaker chuckle, but as he closed the door on Erwin, _on Levi,_ he knew this was his one choice he’d regret the most.

***************

It was one of his trainees who told him a month later. A fresh-eyed new cadet with tones of detached reverence painting her voice, having never actually met who she was speaking of. It was already spreading through the ranks.

The funeral had been small, a handful of soldiers, Head Professor Hanji, Ex-Commander Erwin.

That night, Eren did not come home.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't write angst without a happy ending but for some reason I felt like ripping everyone's hearts out with this one :DDDDD
> 
> I am a monster.
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me on tumblr [tohellwithyourmilkshakes](http://tohellwithyourmilkshakes.tumblr.com/)


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